Ohio Is Not For Lovers
by XXXEdwardAddictXXX
Summary: The Sheriff of Nottingham and Guy take over Hogwarts, and Robin's gang teams up with Harry's to regain control of the school. Alternative reality with dystopian Canada. Many cross-overs.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I promised my friend Adriana (AdrianaDragonSorceress) that I'd write a Robin Hood/Harry Potter/Twilight crossover fic. And since she was really cool and let me be in her story, this chapter is dedicated to her. This fic is a lot darker and more violent than No Place Feels Like Home, so expect some bloodspill. **

Iris Savanna Laurelin Nightbourne deFalco was in Gryffindor. She shared a dorm with Hermione, Lavender, Parvati and a girl named Fay Dunbar who's not in the books but you can read her profile on HP Wiki. Now they were having potions with professor Snape.

Suddenly the door to the potions dungeon was bust down with a blam. In came a short man who was bald with a beard and a gold tooth.

"I am the Sheriff of Nottingham!" he said comandeeringly. "I demand that you all come to the Great Hall ASAP to hear my speech."

"I'm the teacher here!" Snape said menacingly. He was giving the sheriff evil eyes for interrupting his lecture.

"Um, well OK," said the sheriff. "Come to the Great Hall as soon as you've finished teaching your stupid potions class then! Or you shall hang."

Snape gnrrfed and went back to teaching.

In the GH (for short) all the students were sitting on their chairs while the Sheriff got up on the table so everyone could see him.

"Dear students!" said the sheriff with a wide smile. "I am your new head master!"

"WHAT?" all the students shouted, "Where is Dumbledore?"

"He had to take a little vacation," the sheriff said and laughed evilly. "Now there will be some new rules in this school! First: Gryffindor house is now illegal, and all students are expelled. Instead we will have Nottingham house, whree I will be Head of house."

"Oh no!" said Irish. "We've been expelled!"

They all looked at each other in shock.

"Second," said the sheriff, "Severus Snape is fired from Slytherin for objecting to my superiority. The new Head of Slytherin is Sir Guy of Gisbourne."

A tall and very muscular guy (no pun intended) with long black hair, a tight black leather suit, spurred boots and lots of emo GUYliner stood up and took a bow.

"New rule for Slytherin," said Guy, "is that all purebloods go there no matter what. If anyone from Gryffindor are true blood and want to transfer, we can arrange that." he said with a smirk. "

Three," said the sheriff, "My word is the law and nobody may disobey me or ask stupid questions. Do it once, and your expelled, do it twice, and it'll be your head."

"But sheriff," said Edward, "How can we ask a second question if we're expelled already?"

"SILENCE!" shouted the sheriff. And then Edward got expelled.

All the Gryffindors walked sadly out of the castle, while Guy was chasing them with a whip.

"This sucks," said Harry. "We should go to the Minister of Magic. The sheriff can't just do this just because he's head master."

They summoned some Thestrals and flew to London to see Cornelious Fugde. When they came into his office, he wasn't there but Voldemort was sitting at his desk.

"We damend to speek to Minster Fudge!" Iris demaned. "The new Head Master of Hogwarts has fired all the Gryffindors and expelled professor Snape and Edward!"

"HAHAHA!" Voldemort laughed cruelly. "I told him to do it. It's me who's minister of magic now, so screw you."

They took the phonebox up to London again, and shuffled down the street.

"We gotta do something," Iris said. "We can't just let Voldemort and that hillbilly sheriff destroy Hogwarts!"

"Yeah, but what?" said Harry. "Listen guys, we need to find Dumbledore. He'll know what to do."

"Pstt, over here!" said a voice. They turned to see the head of a hipster boy with a beard and Justin Bieber hair poking up from a manhole.

"My name is Robin Hood. I'll take you to Dumbledore."

They climbred down into the personhole, and instead of the sewer they were in an underground cave.

"Follow me," said Robin, and they came out into the forest where there was a small village hidden. Dumbledore was in one of the houses with McGonagle, Lupin, Tonks and Sirius.

"Dumbledore, we need to do something about Voldemort!" Harry said. "He's found a horrible dude to be the new head master, and I think they're going to teach dark art."

"That's disgusting!" said Dumbledore."But we are going to recruit new members to the Order of the Phoenix. I accioed the sorting hat before I left. Now we're going to have a sorting ceremony."

"Robin Hood," said the hat.

Robin sat down on a chair, and Dumbledore pulled the hat down on his head.

"GRYFFINDOR!" said the hat.

McGonagle was pleased.

"Will Scarlet," said the hat, "GRYFFINDOR!"

Next up was a short bloke with a goatee.

"Allan Dale," called the hat, "SLYTHERIN!"

Everyone looked at Allan like "oh shit".

"Much Miller," said the hat, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Little John didn't get sorted because he was too old.

"OKAY!" said Dumbledore proudly. "We are ready to go and take back Hogwarts!"


	2. The Politics of Montenegro

Up in the Hogwarts castle of Mystery and Magic, the sheriff was celebrating his take over of the school. He had appointed Filch to head of Ravenclaw and Guy's sister Isabellatrix (I combined two characters, so there won't be three Bellas here) to head of Hufflepuff. They were drinking fire whiskey and having fun kicking Dobby down the stairs.

But the Order of the Phoenix and their new outlaws were hiding in the dark outside. They were waiting for a signal from the Ravenclaw tower.

"Everyone ready to kick some ass?" Dumbledore asked.

They all nodded in syncronism.

"There is the signal!" said Iris, pointing to the tower. "That means we can attack!"

They rode closer to the castle. Since Thestrals don't make any sound, they had chosen to use them. The sheriff came shambling across the lawn with his arm around Filch and they were singing "Rahhllallahhlalalahh!" The Order surrounded them and drew their wands.

"Stop in the name of the law!" said Dumbledore.

The sheriff looked surprised for a second, but then he grinned sheepishly and waved "bye-bye" with his fingers like Peter Pettigrew did in the shrieking shack. Suddenly he transfigured into a sonic hedgehog and just zoooomed away.

"Shit, we hadn't suspected him to be an animalgus!" Harry sporfled.

Filch saw an opportunity to scramble away and they all followed him down the hill to Hagrid's house. Hagrid was fired for being a Gryffindor, so Filch had been allowed to just take his house just like that. Everyone shot hexes at Filch, but he was so drunk and swaying all over the place that it was hard to hit him properly. Since he was a squid he hadn't magic, so he tossed a spade at them that embedded itself in Kate. She was stupid anyway.

"Get him!" shouted Iris, and they all ran into the house and attacked him to pieces.

His guts and intestines were all over the furniture.

"Hagrid won't be pleased when he sees this," Harry said depressedly.

Suddenly Sir Guy came into the house.

"You're breaking curfew," he said sternly. "And clean up this mess before you go to bed, mkay?"

Ron and Hermione transferred houses so they could stay in school. Hermione got Ravenclaw because she was smart, but Ron was a pureblood so he had no choice but to live in Slytherin with Draco and his goon friends who bullied him for sucking at quidditch.

Iris helped Allan and Will clean the house from blood, so that Hagrid could move in there again when they won the battle. She could tell they were looking at her like they thought she was pretty. A lot of people had told her so before. She was fair skinned, but not pale like Bella, and had long auburn hair with natural chestnut highlights and a mahogany undertone. Her eyes were dark and shaped a little like a cat's eyes.

She thought Will was really cute with his dark, messy hair and his little ironic mustache. He looked older than 18, but she knew he had a tragic backstory that had aged him beyond years.

Guy walked into the sheriff's living room without knocking. The sheriff was shagging Umbridge on the sofa while they watched Sopranos.

"Filch is dead," said Guy.

He diverted his eyes from the unsightly scene.

"Does that mean I can be head of Ravenclaw instead of duncy Hufflepiff?" Isabellatrix asked.

"You can be head of both houses," said the sheriff. "Now GTFO and take your depressing brother with you."

"YESSSSS!" shouted Isabellatrix and did a fistpump.

Out in the corridor Guy grabbed her by the arm.

"I need to ask you a favor, Izzy," he said with evilness and sorrow in his blue eyes. "You know Marian, that totally gorgrous girl wh0 was in Gryffindor? Is she transferred?"

"Sure," said Izzy, "She's in Ravenclay now. But seriously, Guy... She's totally preppy."

"I'm sure she can be persuaded otherwize," said Guy. "Can you make sure she gets detention tomorrow? With ME."


	3. While the brave outlaws were planning th

While the brave outlaws were planning their revolutionary plan in their hidden village in the forest on the other side of the cave that was disguised as a sewer, the Hogwarts students were waking up in their dormitories. Isabellatrix were going around the castle and waking people up by banging on a big gong and shouting "GET THE F*CK UP!"

But Hermione and Marian, who were in Ravenclaw now, were happy that she was their new head of house instead of Filch. He had made a new rule that said they weren't allowed to shower unless he was there to ensure they washed themselves properly. You know what I mean.

First lesson of the day was potions with Guy. Since he'd got Snape's job he had to do the teaching as well, even though he didn't know a single recipe. Today he had decided they were going to brew poison. They had to test it on themselves, he said, so Slytherin could use their dead bodies in necromancy class with Izzy. But it wasn't really poison, just a really strong sleeping drug. He knew Izzy sucked at necromancy, but he didn't want her to get fired so he'd have to handle the sheriff on his own.

But alas, the students also knew Izzy couldn't necromance worth shit, and so they refused to drink the poison. So Guy got his wish to give them all detention and take 50 points from Ravenclaw. Then he measured out their punishment. Marian had to stay with him, while the rest of them were sent do Filch's duties.

"What do you want me to do?" Marian asked, preparing for anything really bad.

Guy did his stubbly smirk, that secretly always made her heart flutter a little, because she thought Guy was really hot.

"I want you to join my side," he said. "If we put our heads together, we can overthrow that retarded sheriff and his bitch Umbridge. Then I can be head master of Hogwarts, and we can get married and live happily ever after, and have lots of little Gisbournes."

"Um," said Marian.

She didn't know what to do about the proposition, because allthough she loved Guy with 10% of her heart, she loved Robin with the other 90%.

"Voldemort won't like that," she said finally. "He's minister of magic, and he appointed the sheriff. So he might AK you if you do that."

Guy thought long and hard.

"I'll just have to prove that I'm eviller than the sheriff!" he decided.

Marian looked disgusted.

Meanwhile, in the forest Robin's senses (he was a mutant, because most people didn't know it but his parents were Wolverine and Sue Storm, he was born to them from the future) were telling him that something was not right with his beloveloved Marian.

"Look, people we need to go to Hogwarts!" he said. "Something is wrong over there, and Marian might be in danger."

"So they got into Edwaqrd's Wolvo and sped off to the castle."

The sheriff was drunk again (he had alcholol problems and drugs) and passed out in his office, so it was no difficultness to get into there. They bust down the door to Guy's room and saw that he was painting Marian naked like in Titanic. Robin's chin fell on the floor.

"What the fuck you PERVERT?!" screamed Harry, and a vicious fight ensued.

Spells were shot everywhere, and things got tossed around the room and bouncing off walls. Eventually they got Guy cornered in a corner, but he defenestrated himself out of the window. (Thanks to my homegurrl Adriana for teaching me that word. It means to toss someone out a window!)

"Fuck, we lost him!" said Draco.

At the same time Robin started wailing in despair, and they all cdiverted their attentions upon him. He was crying and pointing at the sofa where Marian was lying in a pool of blood, run through with a huge sword.

"How the fucking bloody hell did this happen?" Iris shouted. "Who killed her?"

Her hair turned flaming red, because it could change colour with her emotions.

Robin gathered the impaled Marian into his arms, and her face fell off! It was only Meg wearing a mask, because Guy wanted a nude pic of Marian but she had said no.

"She is still alive," said Iris. "We better take her to the village to have her healed."

They git back in the car, and Edward drove like a maniac to get to the forest where Luna was a healer (she had skilled up with the Healer's Ruby which she had found on a quest, because Madam Pomfry was still needed at Hogwarts). But it was too late and all of Meg's blood was in tha car instead of veins, and Edward had to inject her with campire venom.

Back in the village they fut her to bed, and tied her up so she wouldn't fall out of her bed in her transformation spaxxes.

"Poor Meg," said Iris when they were outside.

"That was really close!" said Will. "Good thing Edward was there."

"Yeah," said Iris.

She looked at Will into his eyes. He was so darn HAWT, she had never known a guy (um, I think I need to stop using that word in this story) boy like him before. He leaned in and they kissed long and possionately. (LOL, "posionately", like Potion for Passion! Read my other story No Place Feels Like Home too!)

They went into Will's cabin (he lived with his brother, but he was out) and into his bedroom. Then they lay on the bed and made out and took their clothes off. And then he climbed on top of her, and they started doing it.

"Ow, it hurts!" said Irish, because she was a virgin.

She punched Will in the face, and he fell off her, cluthing his nose. Now they were both bleeding. He started licking the blood off of her, and she got really turned on, because it reminded her of vampires. And vapmires are sexxxxy! The blood from his nose mixed with the blood from her orifice, and then they were soulmated since their blood was one.

"Ahhhhh!" she moaned in originism as her heair flashed beautifully magenta.

But in her house, Bella Swan was really jealous because Edward was taking care of Meg. She didn't like it when Edward paid attention to other girls, and now that Meg was going to become a vampire, she was prolly going to be prettyer than Bella!

"Why is a beautiful girl like you sitting and crying so lonely" said a sympathetic voice.

She looked up and saw that it was Allan.

"Edward isn't going to love me anymore," she sniffled, "Because now there is a vampire girl here who isn't his sister!"

"No, he'd be an idiot to leace a girl like you!" said Allan, and put her arm around her shoulder contortingly.

Just then Edwarp looked out of the window, and saw Bella with another boy. "Grrrr...!"


	4. Tres Noches en la Ciudad

Suddenly Dumbledore came running into the house.

"Guys!" he shouted, "I know how we can defeat the sheriff!"

"How?" asked Harry. "Voldemort said he could be head master."

"He has the Mittens of POwre!" Dumbledore stated with wisdom. "He got them from the silver dragon of the unicorns!"

"Oh no!" said Rone. "We're not high enough level to beat that."

"That's why we're going to STEAL them!" said Dumbledore intelligently.

They went to get into Edward's car, but he was in a really bad mood, and wouldn't let Allan into the car. So Allan had to sit in a wheelbarrow that they tied behind. Harry gave him a helmet in case he fell off.

They got to Hogwarts and Guy was standing in front of the castle, stewing in the sun because he insisted on wearing a black biker suit all the time. So he was hot and pissed, and was like "WTF Allan?! Why are you with these dudes? You're a Slytherin!"

And Allan was all "Shit, man. Sorry."

Then Allan got detention (he had to plant a lot of weed and cannabis for the sheriff) and he had to move into Slytherin with Ron. While Guy was distrcted with punishing, the rest of them snuck into the castle and up to the sheriff's office. Dumbledore knew where it was because it was his old office, and it said "Head MASTER" on the door.

Sheriff and Miss Toad (Umbridge) were snoozing in front of the TV, which was on a p0rn channel. It was a "visit from the electrician" show. Edward got a boner.

"I hope we don't wake them up?" Harry whispered.

"Hardly likely," said Iris. "They have done so much drugs that an elephant doing the Riverdance while blowing a demolition horn wouldn't wake them."

Suddenly she had a bright idea. "Let's kidnap them!"

They all got rope and string, and tied Umbridge and the sheriff up. Dumbledore had a bag with hammer space, and they pulled that over their heads, and they disappeared inside.

"I've got the powerful gloves!" said Harry, and then they were off.

"Hey, wait!" said Iris when they were in the car. "Where is Robin?"

"Dumbass has probably gone to rescue Marian," said Edward.

"Of course!" said Iris. "Wouldn't you have done the same for Bella?"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT BELLA!" Edward roared.

But he turned the car around.

Robin was fighting with Guy in the hall, and he was winning because this was one of those days when Guy was bad at fighting and just stood there waving his sword. They stunspelled him so he fell on the floor, and went off to find Marian. They found out she was in the dark arts class that Greyback was teaching. He was teaching them how to Evil Mesmer.

They bust down the door and alll faces were turned upon them. Greyback looked really MAD. He transfigured a lamp into a full moon so he could turn wolf, and then he ATTACKED. They all shot spells at him, but he bounced away from them. Then Edward lunged at him and sank his teeth into his neck. Greyback wasn't going down that easily, though. He shook Edward off, and bolted out of the castle.

"Way to go, Edward," Lupin said sarcastically. "Now we have a VAMPIRE WEREWOLF running around in the forest, all newborn and bloodthirsty!"

"Pfff!" said Edward. "He was already a pedophile, I hardly made him any worse!"

They got in the car and drove back to the forest with Marian.

"Um, shouldn't we try to rescue Allan?" asked Will.

"Why? He's a Slytherin," said Edward. "He's better off in school."

When they came home, Edward went into his house to "study". On the desk he found a letter that was from Bella. It said the following:

"Dearest Edward. I'm so sorry that you don't love me anymore, now that Megan is more beautiful and vampire than me. But I want you to be happy, so I have moved in with Jacob so you can move on too. XOXOXO Bella."

The whole forest could hear the angused scream.


	5. Mills Hill Railway Station

Harry and them had just tied Unbridge and Sheriff to the sofa in Dumbledore's house, and were torturing them by making them watch the same recording of "Spin the Wheel of Monotony" again and again, when Edward came into the house. Smoke was coming puffing out of his dilapidated nostrils, and his eyes were spinning black pools of madness.

"Something wrong, man?" Harry asked.

Edward was too angry to speak, so he just handed Harry the letter. Harry read the letter.

"Oh, so she's dumped your arse. Sorry, buddy. That's really rotten."

Edward picked up a bookshelf and started beating himself over the head with it until it was sawdust, then he fumed out of the door.

"He'll get over it," said Dumbledore. "Any luck getting the Sheriff to talk yet?"

"Nope," said Harry. "He's more reptillient than we bargained for. It must be becaise Umbridge has made him watch The Bold and the Beautiful with her."

"That's tricky," said Dumbles, "We really need him to tell us how the Mittens of Power are working, so that we may advantage them to our benefit against Voldemort. He's a disgrace of a politician."

"I agree," said Harry. "Maybe we oughta mail Inspector Lewis and ask him how to extract evidencense."

"Good idea," said Dumbledore.

Meanwhile, Iris and Will were keeping themselves a little occupied, but now they reckoned it was time to show their faces. They had an important job, after all.

"What's up gang?" Iris asked as she came into the room wearing a short black corset dress with a red tartan skirt with ruffles and high black cyber-boots. It made her look really sexy yet cute. "

We're mailing the police to ask how to extract information from the sheriff," explained Harry at his computer.

Suddenly the door was knocked up, and in came a really sexy police man.

"Hello," he said politely. "My name is Matt Devlin, and I work in the Law and Order Department."

"Come in," said Iris shyly.

He was really hot.

"I understand that you have apprehended two known war criminals?" Matt asked with a boyish smile that accentuated his manly muscles.

"Oh, yes. They are right in here," Harry pointed.

They all went into the livingroom to spy the two prisoners snogging on the couch. Sheriff had his hands inside Umbridge's dress and was grabbing her boobs.

"Oh Dolly!" he moaned in foghorn.

"Enough already," said Dumbledore. "Inspector Devlin is here to interrogate you!"

Matt took out a bottle of truth serum from his pocket, and made them say "aaaah" with their tongues so he could drip the serum into their mouths. They had really bad teeth. Actually, Ubridge had no teeth, it was dentires.

"Speak," said Matt. "Hoe does one activate the Powers of Glory with the gloves?"

"Silence, Muggle," the shjeriff spat. "Your quack medicine does not on Wizards work."

"We could have told you that if you asked," Iris explained.

"That's not professional of me," said Matt. "I appologize profusively. How may we aquire something that works?"

"Professor Snape is brewing Veritaserum," said Dumbledore, "it should be ready any minute. Have a seat and watch the football game with us. It's Sweden versus Mordor."

"Sounds cool," said Matt.

At the same time, Allan was suffering at Hogwarts. Growing dope was a lot harder work than he had expected, because wizsard slugs eat flesh and can apparate anywhere. He was bleeding from multiple slug wounds, and Guy was watching him work with his long razor-tipped nine tail whop in hand. It really scared Allan more than the slimers.

"This is silly," said Guy smirkily. "I can see that you're scared pissless. Why don't you just come over to our side. I can protect you from the Sheriff if you're willing to do me a few little favours..."

"Not sure," said Allan. "I'm not sure double crossing neither the Sheriff or Dumbledore is a good idea. What's in it for me?"

"Hmm," Guy pondered. "I'd say about 89% less chance of being drawn and quartered."

"Good enough," said Allan.

Snape had the serum finished about the same time the match was over. Sweden had lost 27-0, and Edward had lost £100 for betting on them, the dumbass. He had consulted with Alice before placing the bet, but she was a little mad at him for using all her body lotion.

"OK," Snape said in his usual non-enthusiastic voice. "Let's feed the turdholes this so the Muggle can go home."

They went into the room to the prisoners, but they were... GONE!


	6. Ebor Falls

"The sheriff and Umbridge are escaping!" Robin shouted. "Quick! Search everywhere!"

They looked all over the room, and then they found a cigarette lighter that they had used to burn the ropes with.

"They must have apparated away," Dumbledore sighed. "Well, okay... We're just going to go up to Hogwarts and kidnap them back!"

They got back in the car. Matt had to drive, because Edwards eyes were rolling madly around in his skull, and he kept crashing into stuff. But they were not at the school. Voldemort was giving Guy the crucios because he had managed to misplace the sheriff again. (He's done that before as well, and Nottingham almost got erased.)

"I think we better come back another day," said Dumbledore, and they went home.

Allan dragged the unconscious Guy up the stairs (he levitated him, because he's much bigger than Allan) and put him to bed and put his PJs on him (they were Snooopy & Peanuts PJs).

Meg was awake from her transformation, and Iris was giving her a make-over that suited a vampire better than that peasant thing she had going for her. They went to a REAL gothic shop, because Hot Topic is for EMOS. Megan was rich now that she was a vampire, so she bought one of every dress in the shop.

Iris got herself a beautiful black crushed velvet gown with scarlet silk inlays and gold lace.

When they came home, they found Edward on the lawn. He had hit the whiskey wagon, and was passed out cold. Although he was already cold because he was a vampire, but he was even colder now because the nigh air was chilling him down. "

Edward, for goddness' sake!" Iris said, kickin him with her steel boots.

Edward groaned and got to his feet slowly and drunkenly. Then he saw Meg.

"Bella!" he exclaimed, and kissed her passionately.

Iris left them to it, and went inside.

They had received an anonymous letter telling them that the sheriff and Umbridge were in Canada, and Harry was preparing to leave on a polar expedition to go there. Dumbledore and Robin were going to hold the fort in the village.

"I need someone who's good with a gun, cause there are bears there," Harry rationalized. "So I pick Will Scarlett. And Irish, because she is good at casting shields. And Edward, because we need a vampire. And Ginny, cause she's my GF."

They went and bought arctic clothes, and then they took some thestrals to fly across the ocean. It took all day.

They landed in the forest in Canada, and Edward bought a cabin and a car. Meg had come with them, because she was Edward's link to sanity now. Then Will and the vampires went hunting for supper, while the others watched Canadian TV and laughed at the accent.


	7. The Soviet of the Union

The next day after the arrival in Canada, the heroes decided it was time to go and look for the sheriff. They all hopped into the car, and drove deep into the forest where there were bears and wolves and meese. (Isn't that plural of "moose"?) They had an apppointmetn to talk to Angus McGregor. (In this story his grandparents emigrated to Canada, so he's born there.) He was a security guard for the forest, and he knew criminality was going down, cause he'd found beer bottles and cigarettes and fast food wrappers all over the place. So he explained to them that there was happy campers that could be their own suspects.

So off they went to FTS (find the sheriff). They started walking deep into the forest, and Edward and Meh were snogging all the time. Harry used a sneakoscope that he got from Burt and Botts in Hogsmeade. It started beeping and spinning when he poked it in a certain direction, and that was were they followed it. They followed the sneakoscope to a lake where they saw a man. He looked exactly like goatse.

"Well, crap!" said Harry.

"I don't think that thing is very useful around here," said Edwaark. "Too many strange people in Canada. It's what you get for being so lenient with the werewolves."

(He still hates them.)

They walked back to the road, and it was a really creepy forest that was dark and foggy with lots of creepy sounds. Suddenly a horrible monster came crashing out of the wood. It was Greyback! He was a vampire now, but he was also a werewolf, and he had enormous bat wings and teeth like beef knives.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" They all screamed in horror.

Greyback charged, and attacked Meg by ripping her head off. It rolled into a lake. "

Edward, this is YOUR FAULT!" shouted Will, as he shot at Greyback, but he didn't have silver bullets, so it only made him angrier.

Harry drew his wand and shouted "CURATIO CANIS!"

Greyback stopped being wolf, but now he was a really ugly naked vampire instead. And he still had wings. Edward grabbed his dick and started twisting it around. Greyback let out a scream, and took to the air with Edward dangling in tow.

"Shit, this isn't good," said Harry.

"Guys!" shouted Iris. "We need to help Meg. Her head fell into the water, someone needs to look for it!"

Harry made an air bubble over his head and went diving, while Will and the girls retireved her body. When they had reassembled her, they started heading towards the car again.

Edward was already there when they got there, because he'd fallen off. He had drunk a bottle of whiskey, so he couldn't drive. Harry wanted to camp for the night, but the others were scared that Greyback was coming back. They decided that Iris would drive instead. She didn't have a driver's licence since she was only 16, but that doesn't really matter in Canada.

So then they were off. Ginny rode shotgun and was in charge of changing the music, while Harry and Will played cards. Edward and Megan had sex in the back of the van, and it was really awkward, so they pretended not to hear it over the music.

After many an hour they were back home, and were really tired and ready to hit the pillows without supper.

"Who's parked a caravan on our lawn?" asked Ginny.

"Serach me," said Iris. "I didn't know we had invited anyone over. Harry, have you asked people over?"

"Nope, it must be Edward," said Harry.

They went to investigate. The light was on inside the caravan, so it was easy to peek inside. They could see a man and a woman making out on a bearskin rug infront of a fake fireplace (the whole trailer was really camp).

"Oh crap," said Iris. "That's Jacob and Bella."

Jacob heard them due to his incredibly good senses. Suddenly he tore the door open in front of their suprised faces.

"How about a little privacy?" he asked angrily.

"Why are you parked in our garden?" Harry asked. "Edward's gonna kill you both if you're not gone before he sobers up!"

"We broke down," said Jacob. "How could we even know this was your place?"

"I suppose you couldn't," said Iris. "Well, while you're here, maybe you can help us. We need to FTS, that means "find the sheriff".

"I'll see what I can do," said Jacob. "Tomorrow!"

Then he slammed the door shot, and they heard that he put on the bow-chicka-bowbow music.

"Are they... watching porn?" Will asked in disgust.

"I don't think so," said Harry. "Let's get inside, eh?"

(He's picked up an Canadian accent.)


	8. List of Minor Planets 144001

**Author's NOte: This chapter delas with the suffering of the people. It's very sad and upsetting to people who have been in suffering under politics, so don't read if you suffer. It's triggering.**

The next day they were off again to FTS. Edward and Jacob were a lot of FRZZZT and GRRRR, but they were in different cars, so it didn't matter. (HArry had fixed Jacob's car.)

Jacob had a hunch that the sheriff could be in Hillbillyburgh, a small coal mining farm community down the road for a few miles of area. (That was where he'd bought the tacky trailer (it's called trailer in American), so guess for yourself.)

In Billyburgh all the people were poor because they weren't allowed to work because of too low IQ. But they still had lots of money thanks to criminal acticity. They spent it as soon as they got it, because if they saved they'd be rich and that was intolerated. Everyone lived in houses they had built themselves from stacking trailers and workmen's barracks, and painted in pink and purple and blue. People liked to marry within the family, so everyone was called either Smith or Brown, and the two families were feuding. In places where they were neighbours, they lived in forts made from tree trunks (that took a lot of work, so they made their children do it) with guns pointed at the neighbours.

(Jacob is Canadian in this story.)

Everywhere they looked, thay saw drunk people, children who looked really stupid and babies smoking pot in their prams. It was so sad that Bella started crying.

"I can see why the sheriff would feel at home here," said Will. He hated the sheriff, BTW.  
"So who is this person we're going to talk to?" Edward asked.

"Billy Brown," said Harry. "He's a cousin of Jacob's dad."

Billy was the major of town. Him and his wife Bolly lived in a big pink house with a weed plantation in the back. They had a kennel full of bloodthirsty wolf hybrids. All the Browns owned those. The Smiths owned pitbulls. They had buried a lorry to make a swimming pool. Their children looked the same as all the other Browns. All the Smiths looked the same too.

"Have you seen these two yokels?" Iris asked, showing them a picture of TS&U (The Sheriff & Umbridge).

"Never seen'em before," said Billy. "I'd have remembered someone who doesn't look the same."

"Of course," said Harry. "Well, we're off then. Where to next, Jacob?"

"Coalhole," said Jacob. "It's a mining town."

In Coalhole everything was black and grey, even the flowers. Thick, black clouds of smoke from factories were blocking out the sun. The people looked so sad, all covered in dust. Everyone had at least ten children, because the only way to make money was to sell your children to mines and factories. Adults weren't hired because they had to pay them more.  
The people in town knew nothging except for their work and the food stamp queue, so Edward was listning for thoughts about stuff they wouldn't know about because then he'd know it was the sheriff. But he didn't hear anything.

"let's go home," said Iris. "I don't like it here." Her hair was black now, because she felt depressed.

They all went back to the cabin, told Jacob thanks for nothing, and went inside to watch a documentary about trout.

"You still like her!" Meg said accusingly, and didn't want to sleep with Edward.  
"I don't want to talk about Bella," Edward muttered.

"No, because you're still in love with her and you're jealous!" Meg said.

"I said I don't want to TALK ABOUT BELLA!" Edward shouted.

"You think she's prettier than me!" screamed Meg. "You pretended I was her when we did it, didn't you!?"

"No!" said Edward. "I just..."

"Oh go away, you stupid pustule!" Meg shouted while sobbing into the pillow.

So Edward went to sleep in the bathtub.


	9. Brocchinia exigua

While Iris and her gang were searching for TS&U in the wastelands of Canada's emptyness, trouble was going down back in Hogwarts. Isabellatrix had been promoted to sheriff by Voldemort, which meant that she was Head Master. She was enjoying exerting her power over her students through divide and conquer. Just for the shits and giggles, she had turned Hufflepuff into a prep house, and forced them to dress in pink lacy dresses and pink t-shirts with rainbows and unicorns on them. And she had turned Ravenclaw into goths, and set the two houses feuding.

Guy was treating Allan like his personal slave, and kept him on a chain in the courtyard when he wasn't working. Ron was bing beaten up in Slytherin every day because he sucked so much at quidditch that they lost all their matches. Hermione was hired as Izzy's maid, and had to miss all her classes.

"It is not good," sqaid Dumbledore. "We have to do something."

He looked in a crystal ball, and they could see Guy whipping Emmett with his nine tail because he was taller than Guy and that wasn't legal.

"Perhaps Gandalf can help us."

He called Gandalf in the crystal balls, and they made a plan.

The dark side was running a bit low on funds, so Voldemort was rasing money by setting up a used car dealership from Hagrid's house. He picked random customers from the telephone book, and made them buy a car because he was minister of magic and they had to go to Azkaban if they didn't do as he said.

Suddenly Dumbledore and Gandalf arrived at the school disguised as musicians. Gandalf was grinding a hurdy-gurdy and Dumbledore played accordion with a French striped sweater and a baguette in his pocket. They had a black dog with them that played a piano pulled by Hagrid, and he had a parrot on his shoulder that was Lupin but polyjuiced.

"What is this?" Guy asked waving his sword as they came up the hill playing an ecclectic burlesque French version of When A Man Loves A Woman.

"Wee are juzt ztreet muzicianz," said Gandalf. "Could you zpare a few zicklez, deer boy? To feed our ztarving enfantz? We take requeztz."

"I request you GTF out!" Guy bellowed. "This is not the Nottingham faire!"

Suddenly they just laughed evilly and turned back into real people. They did cruises on Guy, and he flew up in the air and crashed through a window and was fenestrated. (That's what it's called when you fling someone IN through a window, right?)

They ran into the castle and found Guy in a heap on the floor in Izzy's apartement. Izzy had helped herself to some of the sheriff's stash and was high as a Aerodactyl.

"Get him!" shouted Dumbledore, and Hagrid jumped on Guy and beat him up like a slave.

"Oh no!" said Lupin. "She's waking up!"

Izzy laughed "Harr harr harr! I can necro now!" she laughed druggily.

She pointed her wand at her purse, and it became a crocodile again. It chased after Dumbledore like Zonic.

"Expellimimus!" shouted Lupin and Izzy's wand flew out of her hand and into another room.

But then they noticed that the chairs had become necromanced as two angry big bulls who vomited springs.

"Ruuuun!" shouted Gandalf! "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

They usain bolted out of the poffice, and legged it down the hall. They passed Percy Weasley's knocked out body with Izzy's wand in his forehead like a retarded unicorn.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" they laughed and kicked him because he had always been a bit of a p****.

Dumbledore grabbed the powerful Ocarina of Power as they ran out of the school. Then they transformed the piano (Checkov's piano you guys!) to a helicopter and flew cheerhootingly away from the scene of the crime.


	10. List of Ambassadors to Iceland

While Dumbledore & Associates where conducting successful quests in Hogwarts, the rest of the gang were still suffering quietly in Canada's rainforests. There was only one channel on the TV (because they were in the wilderness, and there was hardly any human audience so the government hadn't built cable) and it only had shows about animals that made Edward hungry, so he was a pain to live in a small house with.

And Meg still didn't want to put out.

One day it wasn't raining, so Iris and Will went to sit outside in the sunshine.

"I'm really bored in Canada!" said Iris, her hair was dirty blonde like a city services employee because she was in depressness. "Why can't we look for the sheriff somewhere else? I'm sure he's chosen a more fun place!"

Suddenly they heard the sounds of someone bouncing on the other side of the trees and the moaning.

"I think someone is having sex on a trampoline," said Iris behind the tall hedge that sheltered the neighbours from view.

"That's gross!" said Will, who was medieval.

"It's because they're not used to human companies," said Iris. "Let's go spy! This is better entertainment than National Beaver Hunt Season."

They lurked closer to the hedge and pepeed through the branches of foliage and

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS LOOKING AT?" came the stupid voice of Jacob shouting from the trailer.

"Shut up you decrepit flapper!" Iris hissed. "They're not supposed to know they are observed!"

"What was that?" squeaked the voice of a woman with a squeaky voice from beyond the greenery.

"FUCK! said Irish.

Then they saw Umbridge and the sheriff come flying horizontally above the hedge. They deviated their eyes upon the audience before went under again.

"Get them!" shouted Harry.

Iris drew her want and shouted "FREEZIOUS PERVERTUS" as the pair of hicks dismerged fornicatingly again. They stopped in mid-air and were a nausiating sight.

"We got them! We got them!" shouted Jacob dancing around naked because he had been brought up in Canada, and he was in the shower when it all began happening.

"Now we can go home!" shouted Edward. "I could murder a cuppa tea and raw cow!"

So Iris called Angus McGregor who was a mountie, and asked if it was alright if they arrested TS&U, and he said yes.

They sold the house on the net, and Edward transfigured the car to a lunch box so he could import it to Hogwarts without paying taxes. (LOL! He didn't have to buy a new car, he could have just imported the old one the same way!)

Our heros and Megan arrived in the village just as Dumbledore, Hagrid, Gandalf, Sirius and Lupin came flying in the helicopter. Bella and Jacob stayed behind, because they needed to remember civilization before they lived in Britain again.

"We have them!" shouted the students as they poured out of the jet (Edward had one already).

Iris turned the bag (with hammer space) upside down, and TS&U slammed to the ground.

"ERK! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" boomed Gandalf. "You could at least have putten clothes on them!"

"It didn't work sir," Harry explaint. "They are too infiltrated."

"Good job, son!" said Dubmbledore and brought them all into his house for a celebratory drink or two. Harry and Edward put chains on Umbridge and sheriff's necks, and Iris lifted the bind so they could pry them apart. Then they found some of Umbridges terrible flowery dresses in her trunk, but they discovered they had forgotten the sheriff's luggage.

"Well crap, I'm not going back for that!" said Edweard. "Jacob can send it over with the mail."

Harry transfigured a stripy scarf into a prison suit that the sheriff could wear, and then they locked them up while they sang "We Are the Champions".

But suddenly BELLA WAS THERE!


	11. Magnum Semiconductor

The muggle policeman Matt returned to continue his interrogation of the prisoners. He gave them the Virilityserum prosessor Snape had cooked, and they spilled the beans.

"So tell me," Dumbledore detected, "How do the Gloves of Power function."

"I don't know," the sheriff said. "I stole them from the Silver Unicorns and Guy and me were going to take their majestic dragon prisoners to learn how to uise them so we couild become eviller than Voldemort and rule the Wizard World."

"You disgusting filthy thief!" screamed Dumbledore. "Matt, arrest him!"

"Um, he's already in chagins," said Matt sexily. "But I can take the golves and return them to the Unicorns. They will be happy to have back their own possision."

"Yeah, and we have the Ocarina of Power," said Dumbledore (He plugged the sheriff's ears so he didn't hear the confession), "And that is a lot more prolific."

"But we don't know how to use that," said Iris.

"I know," Dumbledore said like a man who has just heard a stupid question, "That's why we need... LINK!"

He accioed with his wand, and suddenly Link came dropping down the chimney like a Christmas Elf.

"Be greeted big wizards," he said. "What can I assist you in?"

"We liberated the Ocarina of Powers from Waldemort," said Dumblings. "Now you have to play it when we fight the good cause."

"Of course," said Link. "When is lunch?"

"Any second," said Dumbledore. "It's Harry's turn to cook, and he's got lot of practice from when he lived in the cupboard."

"That will have to wait," said Marian. "We have a problem. Umbridge is pregnant."

"WHAAAAAT!?" exclaimed the extended family. "How is that possible?"

"Uh, they had sex," said Iris and pointed to the sheriff. "On a trampoline. XD"

Dolores Jane was in physical labor in the living room, and her blood and guts were spilling out in the floor.

"All boys OUT!" screamed Marian. "Except for Edward because he's a doctor. Go and get Luna, she's a healer with high experience points."

They ran out of the house of Dumbledore, and bamfed down Luna's door and dragged her back to the scene of birth in her PJs.

The baby was born while Umbridbge screamed her lungs blue.

"I don't want to have a baby!" screamed Dolores. "It's ugly! Why couldn't I have a kitten!"

(Not all people who like cats are bad, but not all bad people hate cats either.)

So Luna used her cryptozoological knowledge to turn the baby into a kitten so its parents could love it. It was a very ugly kitten.

"He looks like Pidsley," said Harry who got up early every Saturday to watch Shaun the Sheep.

"I like that name," said Dolores.

"What the fuck?!" Sheriff asked when he saw the offspring. "You and CROOKKSHANKS?"

So they had to exclaim to him how it had come about.

"Trust me, it's an improvement," said Harry.

"And this is why I don't believe in opposite-sex relationships," said Dumbledore.

Then they could finally have lunch. It was pancakes.


	12. The Big Vein

Suddenly... Edward discovered that Bella was in town!

"Bella!" he shouted happily. "I'm so horny to see you! What are you doing here?"

"I missed you, silly!" said Bella, and then they kissed Spanishly. (It means with lots of passion.)

"Oh Bella, Bella!" moaned Erdwarp. "Let's go have sex to celebrate our reunification!"

They went into Edward's house and took all their clothes off so they were nude, and then they started humping. Edward put his vampire stick into her quivering human girl cavity and they moaned in organism.

"That was awesome!" panted Edward. "I'm so glad you came back, Bella. That bitch Meg isn't this good to me. Let's do it again!"

He yanked his Sargeant Richards to attention (He can just do that, since it's stone and doesn't need blood flow.) and they mated again.

Iris and Will were thinking along the same lines. They had been consumating their relationship all morning, and Iris' hair was now a lovely color gradient that was firey orange at the roots, then blended over in scarlet and burgundy and was deeply violet at the tips. It looked like a gorgous night ski.

"Let's go to a party tonight!" Iris said, admiring herself in the mirror. "I feel so alive again! Canada nearly killed my fun bone."

"Yeah," said Will. "I think Dumbledore is throwing a bash later tonight. His parties are known for being a bit intoxicated. Maybe Gandalf will even do his pointy hat-trick!"

They dressed up sexily and went to hang out. Iris wore a figure hugging black synthetic leather dress with a belt made from lots of crystal diamonds linked together in rows of four. It had a corcet on it in front. She bought it at Pollyworeit online, because she had jumpwired a connection so she didn't have to pay bills. Because she had mystiqual poweers she was pretty good at that sort of things. She wore white synthetic leather platform boots with silver chains as laces and a necklace she's bought for £ 5 at Hennes / Mauritz and transfigured the glass stones into diamonds. Marian was really jealous, because she had bought the same one, and hers didn't look as great and nobody understood why.

Over at Dumbledore's neo-classical castle with gothic details, the joint was really jumping, as they said in the 60s. (I watched a film about it. Was really cool, but they smoked a lot of pot, though. :/)

Dolores and Sheriff were locked up in their own dungeon underground, but they had the basic necessities like a toilet and shower (though the hot water was broken), a fridge and TV. Pretty much it was what they needed to be reasonably happy. They had asked Dumbledore if they could borrow some of his torture instruments, and giggled immaturely, but Dumbles was appalled that they thought he owned any!

Pidsley was asleep in his cat condo. The good thing with cats is that they don't much get traumatic effects of seing their Ma and Pa absorbing beer in front of the TV all night. Harry obviously knew what he was doing when he transformed him. It was for the best.

"This is not fair!" complained Upfridge as she watched the party through the bars of their cell appartment. "I just had a baby, and we should be allowed to have a labour party to celebrate the birth of our child!"

"Yes," said Dumbledore. "I can sympathize. But this is actually the party to celebrate that we captured you, so it's a little inappropriate. I'll get Harry to bring you some grub, though."

Harry brought them a plate of cookies and some chicken that he pushed under the gate. Suddenly it rang on the doorbell, and he went to open. It was Guy and Allan who had come to crash the party. They had brought pea-shooters with them, and asked if they could see the sheriff.

"Come through here," said Dumbledore. "We can't open the door to their cell, because they can run out. I'll let you in another way."  
He opened another barred door, and let them through. Then he smacked the door and it said click.

"HAHAHAHHAAAHHAHOOOHOOOAHAHHAHAHHEEHEHHEEHE!" rofled Dumbledore. "Now you two are our prisoners as well!"

Harry had to bring them food as well. He didn't know that Robin had made sure all the cookies had been up Emmett's ass, so he ate one of them because it was chocolate chip.

Then Gandalf showed everyone his pointy hat trick, and everyone was really disappointed because it only involved balancing it on his nose.


End file.
